like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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