It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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