good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
