So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
