ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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