I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
