Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
