Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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