Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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