so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
