i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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