Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
