When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
