Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
