I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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