I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Just invented taco cereal.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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