I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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