i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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