One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize