Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize