It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
