You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
