I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Can Purell be used as lube?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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