Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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