Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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