the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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