When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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