I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
