I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
