My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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