he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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