I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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