he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
