she woke up with a sticky ear
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
