She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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