im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
