Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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