You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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