I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The uberlube is also flammable
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
