Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
