I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
