Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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