I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
