Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
