totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
