you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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