it was like having sex with a tree stump
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
