what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
