Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(516): View more from New York

It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.

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(435): View more from Utah

Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien

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(858): View more from California

Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(813): View more from Florida

im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."

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(703): View more from Virginia

Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself

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