i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
