On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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