He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
