i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
