If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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