based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
