My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
