So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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