I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
