he told me I talked like a deaf person
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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