This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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