I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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